dont you think that at some point of time in your life,love hurts really so bad?

it's like you've been blinded by something,

and thus you aren't able to see the "real thing" in that person you love.

I only want the truth.

i'm falling.

i'm falling,real fast.

this is how it looks like when i am without you.

this is how it looks like when i finally fall apart and hit the ground. Hard.

this is how it looks like when i'm on the edge.

this is how it hurts so bad even though i pretend there isn't any pain.

i have this friend. okay,maybe schoolmate. i don't really know her. she's on my facebook list though. and through her blog and facebook status updates,it seems like things in her family isn't going too good. im not going to go deep in and tell you what happened. but it seems like she needs help. more than just comforting words over facebook. but i just felt like i could do something to make a difference yet i failed to do it...need to do some soul searching...and praying of course. (:

Things aren't going to well for me. I think i've really come to my senses. It seems like you-know-who likes some other guy. i dont know if her pm where she asked someone to f**k off was referring to me. most likely it is. and that's why...nvm. she will see in 2 weeks time. like i said,whatever im passing to her is not going to change how she thinks. how she treats people. but really i am beginning to doubt whatever she said earlier...of course i dont judge. i dont assume. im trying to keep my head back and making sure i dont jump to conclusions. maybe that "thing" i pass to her will just really make her think about those who just care for her so much...i dont expect anything in return. but i really cannot take it anymore. it's too late for me to turn back. too late for her to do anything. i've done my work. i just need to pass the "thing" to her. and thats the last thing she'll ever see or get from me. it will not make an impact on her. but it will be a constant reminder.

i feel pretty numb at times when i think of her. it just hurts to see her like this...and to see me doing this to her again. but really,this time i aint turning back. no more chances. i dont wanna get tortured again. sucks.

God bless!

Peace out.

Sometimes people don't stop in life to think and look around,and when they don't...they miss all the important aspects of life. And some just keep moving on. Well hey,some people stopped with you,showed you utmost concern and care. And what did you do? You walked off. Is that how you treat people who REALLY CARE for you?

i'm sorry for lecturing you.

i'm no deacon,i'm no pastor.

i'm no dad,i'm no brother.

but i'm trying my very best to give you advice.

i could be wrong,i could be right. but take it as life lessons.

maybe you don't wanna listen to me

that's perfectly fine. but keep it in your head. you may need it someday.

you can be as angry as you want...

but if you wanna stay that way,no one's gonna really like you. maybe that guy.

smile,and you're on your first step back to being a happy cheerful girl.

God bless!

Peace out.

Where has the old friend gone?

Maybe it's time you start thinking,

It's time you start thinking about others.

There is no turning back for now.

Heavenly Father,
You're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything.
Everything.

Tomorrow Master JC is coming over to my place! Apparently he is pretty much unfamiliar with Windows Movie Maker...kinda shocked hahaha. Well tomorrow I end school at 230? Get home by 330? Have lunch...4/430? Then I'll rest for awhile before I dress up and head down to the field to practise my drop kicks and goal kicks. Eos passed me back my camera. Kinda shocked and upset. 870 photos...lol. And most of the photos at the start when I left looked pretty solid...and the end most of them were badly shot. Kinda wasted but i guess things don't always go how we want them to. Of course,it's still good and i indeed have to thank Eos and her minions...I know more than just one person touched the camera.

Ok,I tried asking Jaz to come for the vday event! Seriously! I did! But she said she doesn't know if she can come or not. That does not matter! But if she can come...wah everyone will be super kan cheong! Like every youth in Mt Carmel is so curious how Jaz looks like! I think I have said too much about her in church. Oh dear haha. It'll be great if she can come though! Then she'll get to meet super cool people...like JC and Annabel. I remember on the first day when I brought Isabel to church,on our way back we saw Bel! Then while we were waiting for the bus,Ian called me and I had to rush back to church...so I left Isabel in Bel's hands. Sounds weird but yes lol! And it seems like Bel got to know more about Isabel. Cool stuff. Anyway,I have to pay up...for my ticket. I was supposed to do so like last sunday but I didn't have $14! XD $12 for friends! Super cool stuff. Indeed thank God I am still wide awake despite it being 1030. I will have to get up at 515am tomorrow so that I can prepare early enough...and get to school early to finish whatever homework I have. Although tomorrow is a very,very short day! Down with PE,Literature,English and IH! And like I don't have to bring alot of stuff...so it seems like instead of my bag being the lightest on a friday,it's the lightest on a tuesday. Awesome. Like a few minutes ago I started coughing...don't know why. I kept going on...then I think my mom got worried and thought I was having an asthma attack so she came into my room. Lulz. Yes,I am Anti Social. I am also emo. Yeah I joke around on msn quite abit but I've stopped hanging out with my friends and all. Not because I feel left out but I just feel that we have nothing in common. Except people in church because we do have something in common. We all love and worship God! But yeah I'm kinda staying away from them too. Being emo and anti social isn't fun but I am pretty much used to it. Of course I'm in for a short chit chat,why not! But I'm not gonna really hang out alot now. I think Putri's parents were abit shocked to see me playing alone in the field today. Doesn't matter. Tomorrow's a newwwww day!

See you all!

Peace out,

God bless!

I'm taking risks,

I'm doing it for the last time.

Yes,I'm still hurt and pretty much upset,

But there is no harm in trying.

This is my last try,before I take my leave.

And this time,there is no turning back.

whats going on now,girl?

are you asking me to leave you?

but i've seen it all,

and it's not enough.

cos it keeps me needing you.

i'm gonna be anti social for a long time.

i ain't gonna talk to anybody.

just God. and just you.

cos i wanna get things right. i wanna get you done with.

if you want me to leave,tell me.

if you want me to stay,don't stay silent.

tell me.

jaz is ignoring me. lol. i am getting abit worried. maybe she's testing me. or maybe she's just pissed. i'll leave it this way. i'll just hold on. weird.

Dear Eos,

I would like you to know that you have such a...

adaptable

adorable

agreeable

alert

alluring

ambitious

amused

boundless

brave

bright

calm

capable

charming

cheerful

coherent

comfortable

confident

cooperative

courageous

credible

cultured

dashing

dazzling

debonair

decisive

decorous

delightful

detailed

determined

diligent

discreet

dynamic

eager

efficient

elated

eminent

enchanting

encouraging

endurable

energetic

entertaining

enthusiastic

excellent

excited

exclusive

delicious

tasty

juicy

sweet

spicy

sour

and sexy smile.

"i come to you in pieces,so you can make me whole."

one of my favourite lines hahaha.

i've decided to leave rugby aside. i shall pursue photography and drums! i'm sticking with photography cos i'm doing it in school...hahaha.

i think jazlynn's msn is kuku. she isn't replying to my messages. nevermind. i think she's ignoring me because i didn't reply to her earlier in the day haha. doubt she'd ever do that though. nevermind. today was some tiring crap. i still have to pack for tomorrow...-_________- road trip ahhhhhhhh die die die. i cant sleep. my mind is jumping up and down. you know when i dont get a reply from jaz i start to panic. and im like shit the world is going to end! okayyyyyyy maybe not as bad la. but i just get real scared and paranoid. dont know why. :/

i cant sleeeeeeeep. someone call me! lol im just bored.

i had like a super epic conversation with mr chua during IH lesson!

we were trying to guess who were the 2 people that raffles spoke to when he entered singapore. we got the first guess,sultan hussein right...but the 2nd one was like..temenggong..but no one knew. then mr chua was like..c'mon...it starts with a T! Then i was like,MR CHUA I KNOW! TOM YUM GOONG! LOL then mr chua was like , Andre i dont want any Tony Jaa in my class HAHAHA Tom Yum Goong is actually a movie XD

sorry for bein kinda emo. was kinda pissed with something. stop asking me about jaz. yeah i know you all are concerned but please. give me a break. give her a break. dont go around disturbing her. >:( basket you all. anything that im doing...is all confidential. its stuck between 3 men! or boys. haha. today was tiring. its not nice sticking your eye to the viewfinder from 730am to 6pm. it sucks but hey im doing it for the school. so yeah :) i have to leave the orientation early tomorrow at like 5pm or earlier so that i can reach home,shower and get to Borders early enough. Gotta go celebrate my mom's birthday. I wish it wouldn't be tomorrow...I'm missing my all time favourite cca open house. :( But oh well. Sacrifice. On saturday I have tuition and then i have to go down to church...first i must find the route...from clementi mrt to where ah. SP guild house. sigh. its ok. gonna do it well. gonna do it good. SOS Call for jazlynn! 6th feb! it's a saturday. no,i am not inviting you for our vday event. But I need to see you. In the afternoon. Is 3pm fine? haha im like 3 weeks early but who gives a shit! I haven't done anything,but it's all ready for you. I just need you pass you a slip of paper. Haha. Gonna prepare for tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ftw thank you Lord for today! tiring yet so wonderful!

peace out

God bless!

if i had only 5 minutes a day to talk to you...i wouldn't know what to tell you. because i have so much to say. but this is what i'd say if it really did happen.

i hope your day was great. i'm pretty sure it was. any plans for the week? guess you really miss your friends (from ofs.) huh. which is good! i really hope that you enjoy school and all that...and also enjoy the outings you have with your friends. thank God for everything,yeah. I really miss you. I really do.

If i were given 5 minutes only i think i'd cry all day. lol. when i don't get to talk to jaz i get that empty feeling. like she's part of me now. haha.

i guess i'm alright.

i'm just standing out with the streetlights,just me and God.

i know God has seen my heart break into pieces. and why is He just letting it happen again?

i wonder is He gonna do anything.

hello! today was fantastic! i love school. i must say i struggled to understand a very simple question in math class but there is nothing wrong with asking questions! english was the usual. it always is the same. it's like we don't go any higher or lower. that happened in 09 too. IH is fun. there's this retarded song that only leong chun,yee sin and i know! hahaha it's super fun to be chatting with them because they speak in mandarin most of the time and it's a great way for me to practise my mandarin. during recess,the most EPIC thing happened. awesome crap. seriously! christy like came up to me out of nowhere and she just asked if i could take photos for the sec 1 orientation camp...i was like...sureeeeeee! the bad thing is i've already missed day 1 and tbh day 1 was rather fun. i could hear all the rookies shouting and having lotsa fun. could also see the side of the councillors that you don't usually see. the fun,wacky side! haha. what else? :P i'm chargin' my camera,bringing in my earphones...i know i'll need it to kill time and make sure i'm occupied. i told myself for like 3 days i have to go down to 7-eleven to buy football weekly but i keep forgetting. irritating. i realised i'm low on cash too! actually i have like $30 in my cupboard but im like...nuh uh thats for sunday! haha so i cant spend it. if i must..then it'll have to be because of some crisis...i think i indeed need to thank God for this wonderful week! it has been good so far,and i cannot wait to really go out to the city again! i've been so busy spending time in church i hardly visit wheelock or ion anymore :( unlike yesterday! i felt so classy. i think that's because i splurged on 2 items only. hahaha.

on a less brighter note,

i realised it's so easy to realise whether love is there or not. i think in a way that if someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,it doesn't mean they don't love you. but to be honest,i really feel 0% of ANYTHING at all. No care,no concern or love. I don't even think about LOVE! I think love would consist of care and all. i used to have that empty feeling when jaz was gone in perth for like a week. because i couldnt talk to her. that was partially my fault because i deleted her i think lol. but still! and it's like i'm always contemplating on whether i should stay by jazlynn or just leave her. i know i'm not supposed to think or talk about her! but i don't know how to let it out if i speak to my friends! they've had enough of my rants about jaz. haha. and i realised i've been wallowing myself in self-pity alot. along with putting myself under aloot of emotional stress. that's gay haha. this has been an epic thing that has taken place in my life,and i've lost quite abit,but at the same time i've regained that lost portion of my heart and i've learnt alot in life. i don't think this was a test from God. it's more of a usual hurdle that God just sends our way. and He just pushes us over it,showing that He can make a difference in our life...or my life. and yeah i have a little gift for jaz! i gave up my 2 ideas. kinda cheesy. i don't want to buy her a tee shirt. she won't wear it. im super sure. haha. i won't go customize a bear for her! yeah it's sweet i think but nah i don't want her bed to have too many bears. of course all other ideas are confidential! teehee. and now it seems jaz is good with uwc! so i can leave her alone and just watch. at times i feel that she doesn't need me but wth,that's not the right spirit. i'm just not the right man for the right time. then the question of when will i be the right man? i just have to wait. patience! it's good to see her enjoy herself. and enjoy life! all works of God. (: alright,tomorrow's gonna be a long day so i'm gonna roll on my bed,listen to some niceeeeeeee music (red :P) ,read abit. get a nice drink...finish off with a prayer,and i'm off to sleep. I must remember to bring my cam...the most essential item for tomorrow. i hope my batt doesn't die.

and...after ps dixon's sermon last sun,i'm starting to LOVE my friends more! i learnt to really share,even if they destroy it or don't lend me things when i need it. it doesn't matter...haha i love the feeling when i share! at the same time it's good because i'm obeying God's word! i need a new copy of the "World's Manual." :P

alright,thats all. i'll try to update my blog tomorrow!

peace out!

God bless! :)

my day was frickin awesome. i went to buy my stupid $80 audio technica earphones. i thought they were $40..oh well. got another tee from pull and bear. im wicked!

cool kids dont shop alone. i do. so im uncool. very farnee.

night. uncool kids need lotsa sleep.

it's like the 3rd week into school and i still don't have my english textbook. jinkies man...and like ms selvi assigned us some shit that has to do with the textbook...and like if i dont pass it up tomorrow she's gonna minus like 30 pts from my group...and i dont want that. in the end all u get is some apollo biscuit. no big deal. but i dont wanna make diny angry haha. life saver che hui was online! i was like yessah. so im getting him to like scan all the pages of the textbook..then i'll do eng homework from there. and like i didnt know this new math teacher assigned us work...che hui told me about it...shiat. mr zaf is gone for like 2 weeeeeeeks. wtp...i miss mr zaf. i can pay more attention to his teaching..i dont understand this teacher's one lah. and like wed i have ncc...super shitty news la. need to bring pt kit. theres physical training and soccer training. who can play footy after PT? like seriously when sir tan hammered the whole unit we were dead after the pt session! i was like...imma bring my goalie gloves. on 2nd thought i don't think i wanna play. if i do i wont be a goalie. unless no one wants to do it then fine i'll do it. if not i'll play a position im comfortable with...right back :p and like tomorrow there's PE...the heck. they are gonna take our weight! i took it at this retarded weighing scale outside the office in sch...im frickin 82kg wtp....i was 79 a month ago! i was supposed to go the gym but i got home super late. irritating. in all,God will guide me through this week. i am halfway through the first day of the week and i have loads to finish tonight. but once again the Lord is my refuge and my strength! (Psalm 46)

alright,i have to transfer the ELC photos and finish up my homework...finish dinner too.

seeya!

I had my face shoved in the word death yesterday. It was a point where God showed how powerful He is. He can stop anything. And He can start it,again and again and again. I'm returning to camp soon,I think. I'll be staying for that last night...if not my parents will make noise. :/

Besides that,I've been really kept busy...I'm on the verge of "falling into the sea."

Why...

Vday Preparations!

And Isabel's coming to Mt Carmel this sunday! (Don't worry bel,you're not a burden haha.) It's my duty to jaga you so I must plan! Don't worry,I doubt we'll follow our plan anyway. HAHAHA

And I have something for you,Jaz!

I hope UWC has been great for you! I asked you how it was yesterday...you said good good good...Don't lie if it isn't! If not what am I here for? I'm not saying I don't trust you...but don't be afraid to see UWC isn't as coooool as OFS! Haha I once did that in NCC...and I didn't get punished. Awesome shit. I hope UWC has been great for you,and I think Jeremy really,really likes you. If you're not into a relationship now,try "dating." Or in a way,just heading out together,watch some movies. Shop together? It'll be great! Since you two are a fun bunch. And yeah I just wanna see you happy. That's all I want. I don't want anymore more than that...(I wish I did.) But I'm just not there yet. And I don't plan to be there. So...enjoy UWC! It's a hardcore school! I think...Don't get into volleyball. Go join Mediacomm or something. HAHAHA MY CCA XD

Kayyyyyyyy.

Now that I have to really shower,pack up and head back to camp...I have to start doing other shit. You know my dad told the maid to wake me up at 845...and the maid told me that my dad would pick me up. I don't believe my dad would come all the way from Orchard down to Woodlands just to bring me to school. Thats a fat lie. Nice try. I seriously cannot believe my dad wants me to go back to camp! I mean,I do want to go for camp...but...I don't want to stay overnight! Halfway through the camp and I was dreaming about home and my sexy bed! It's so true,our beds feel more comfortable during school days. Hahahaha. Fatigue levels I guess. To be honest,I never wanted to come for this camp. I felt super pissed that we were given SUNDAY to rest only before heading back to school on monday. And WTP lah,we have to wake up at 4am on Saturday! Lack of sleep ftw...but the teachers get less...so we should shut up and not complain. Hahaha. Then I realised that I would be REALLY tired...and so JC passed me this verse from the book of Psalm! Psalm 46! I read everything. I like verse 1 the most. "God is our refuge and strength,an ever present help in trouble." It's so true! God has helped me so much in 09/10. The Lord has also helped me in realising what I should really be focusing on. Girls,Soccer...or God? And I really learnt that no matter what God should always be no.1 on your list! Even if you play in the EPL(Egyptian Premier League XD) it doesn't mean you put it infront of God! Which is like soooo cool!

Anyway,

Isabel's coming to Mt Carmel this sunday! Like uber cool lor! I told tess and kim already I think. So they'll talk to her and stuff. Hahaha. Awesome shiat.

Alright,I think I'll go play some FO2,read up on other blogs...check out FB profiles and pack...before I return to the hell hole. Tbh we are treated in camp like how NCC treats us...gotta move fast and all...but your punishment is worse. I'd rather do push ups then get yelled at! Basket.

A blog is a free and public domain,where one can express how he feels...and there is not right or wrong to that.

So now,what is your problem?

I scream,I shout...I cry. But I just won't get your full attention.

"IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE,COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART."
All I want is the Lord to see my broken heart.
I cannot go on like this anymore.


Loving God,
I have laid down everything for you...
I have decided to let go of whatever I'm holding on to...and that special something.
And Lord,I know you've seen my breaking heart. You've seen it shatter into pieces.
And now I just pray that you heal me. At this point of time I feel so empty but I know your love does not run dry. Father I know you are there to support me. Your yoke is easy and your burden is light. It seems to me that You are fixing my heart back...bit by bit. But everytime I encounter something it just breaks everything apart again. I'm finding it so hard to hang on. Lord,at times I hear You say don't fight these hands that are holding you. And I'm not...but I feel that one day something that's bigger may make me lose my grip on You.
I choose not to think this way and look at things in a positive light. Father I'm forever going to depend on you,to lean on Your strength and I KNOW YOU WILL LIFT ME UP BECAUSE I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. I KNOW I'M WEAK. I KNOW I'M UNWORTHY. But I needYou at this time and I know You are there by my side. At this point of time all I want is You,Lord. I don't want anymore heartaches. I don't want to be upset,disappointed or angry anymore. I don't wanna shed a tear anymore. Each time I think about her I just feel like breaking down. Because I do not know where to move on from here. I will learn to lean on Your strength. You are the only One that can pick me up and make move.

Amen.

I wish I never did assume.

I only found the courage today.

But it's too late...

What do I do now?

I'm reachin' out for you one last time.

And I'll keep my hand out for you for a long time.

If you don't wanna grab it...then I don't know.

I can tell you I'm weak. Yeah I am. But I'm putting it all for you. I'll carry you home. Till the very end.

Promise!

(:

Guess you'll be reading this...maybe not.

You know something? I miss you now. I'm sure you're enjoyin' life in Jakarta now. Hehe continue doing so. Well I miss you. I don't miss you because you're gonna be gone for a week. But because you left the country. It's the fact that you left the country for awhile...not for how long you'll be gone for. Yeah I miss you. I really do. BUT everyone needs a break from all their usual things! Hehe. Enjoy the rest of your trip alright? Take care of yourself. :)

AND WHOEVER THAT IMPOSTER IS...GET OFF MY BLOG MATE. IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY THAT I'M FRIENDS WITH HER THEN THATS YOUR PROBLEM. >:( Annoying nimcompoop. Screw that.