hahaha what a nice lie. ok best not to assume.

how can you say i blocked you when i didn't? I checked everything. I even searched your name over and over again on the search bar. Nothing. So I decided to do the extreme. I created another account and searched your name. PERFECT. I found you. So who blocked who???

May has been shit. June too. Sigh.

i need someone to love.

the world's just crumbling all on me. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK this. I do not know how many fucks it will take for me to vent all my anger out. Fuck. Seriously. FUCK ME AND FUCK THIS AND THAT AND YOU. Fuck all of this.

What am I living for?

I lost Jaz. Game on.

My exam results are like bullshit. Game on.

I can't play Rugby. Game on.

I just screw myself,every single day.

Fuck.

This.

no one reads my blog already i guess. it's okay. i'll just use this to let my thoughts out. official rugby training has started and i've been told to either play flanker or forward. i mean like wth prop forward supposed to be real big and bulky like bennett. physcically intimidating...i'm 167cm but im a monstrous 78kg. Duno if that's good. Also told to get grip mitts and a scrum cap...whatever for? lol i think boots can wait. gonna get ma grip mitts and scrum cap tmr though =D life's real sucky and i miss jaz but yeah i gotta let go and i'm forgetting everything slowly...cant wait for church camp!!!!

go for rugby training

kill myself

body aches so fucking badly

sleep

wake up in the morning

fuckin knee hurts like shit.

i give it a kick. gets worse.

pain stays for damn long.

Do it,all over again.

Let me make that even better,for you.

I see you.

Try to talk.

Doesn't work.

Re-think my strategy.

Wait,do I even have a chance at talking to you?

No,I don't.

But I don't realise it.

Do it,all over again.

i like you.

i love you.

but it may never,ever come true.

let's go.

on a new journey.

far beyond what we can imagine.

i realised there's this love...for me that's way stronger than just my love for jaz. God's love is far greater than this little earthly love we have.

how great,is our God?

i'm more than upset.

gotta hold it in,it's friday tomorrow.

stop telling me i'm a being a 2 faced Christian when you are one yourself. I don't treat people at home any different from how I treat my church mates. I get defensive at home because YOU are the one jumping to conclusions. I won't ever share the things in my head with my family ever again. Because you just out to JUDGE me. I know when I have to look through myself,if I've ever gone wrong. But you guys are just out to bring me down. Is that what parents are for?

make this a quick post. i vomitted 3 times after PT today for some reason. possibly dehydration,according to Gurpreet. Been feeling like puking. Not very strong though. I'll be better tomorrow. School was fine. Have NCC tomorrow though. Long day. Msn's screwed. I think something happened since the same problem exists with everyone I know who has Msn Messenger. At least it's not as bad as Starhub's cables which kept getting affected by the numerous earthquakes. Don't know from where though. Well I'm almost going to bed,which means I can survive without MSN!!! Well done andre.

I have a piece of good news! More of an update though.

I wanted a transfer,yes?

Clarice was really nice and she went to ask some lady boss from her school about N/A students being able to apply for ACS International! Well the lady said she'll consider...Gotta send in my PSLE cert first. I'll scan it tomorrow night when I come back from NCC. No time tonight. :) Yay ftw. Thank God! I just really hope that I can get in...It'll be rugby,and being out of sembawang will be good and bad. I'll miss all my school mates but HELL YEAH no more pai kia!

That's about it for today.

Can't wait for NCC tomorrow. Friggin freak the nuts out of that dude who yelled at me. Dustbin baby.

I need you Jesus

Come to my rescue

Where else can I go?

I'm getting sick of Sembawang. Not because of what I'm doing but because of my environment. I dislike it. Ok I must make it sound bad. I HATE IT. I wanna go to St Andrew's but location is a problem and well I don't know if I can score well. But I'm gonna commit myself to my studies and do well for my Mid Years and EOYs!!!!!! :)

i dont think my blog needs a tagboard. MY BLOG IS A FREE DOMAIN. NO RIGHT,NO WRONG. SO WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU HAVE JUST DON'T READ.

I have a stalker. And he's a guy. This is great!!!!

And he told me some weird stuff about me and jaz. Lol.

Dude don't say I'm fat. I know I am,but look at yourself first. Are you any better? Bet I could knock you out in seconds. BUT of course I'm not here to fight. I wanted to be friends...but you had to make those silly comments. That's not very wise,my friend.

I built something with her for so long,so well.

But in the end it was me who brought it down.

I wanna make it up to you Jaz.

But I can't...If I could I wouldn't know how...but all I can do is do these little small things that can rebuild this. I know you have lost your trust in me. And I agree it's not easy to regain it. But I'll try. I'll try...harder.

Sometimes I feel my blog's dead. Like no one reads it. But at least it's somewhere I can let everything out. I feel like tearing down my tagboard because I only get faggots who come on and disagree with whatever I say,even if it's good. I mean like really...a blog is a free domain,there isn't any right or wrong. You're being an ass,man. I know who you are. :)

Seeya around.

I know what I said,

but I didn't mean to hurt you so bad.

I know you're not shouting anymore,

You're broken inside and I know.

It's all of me that just hurt you so bad.

I can't live this life,

without you by my side.

Can you forgive me again?

I'm just screaming inside that I'm sorry.

only God knows whats wrong.

LIKE FINALLY.

My dad said that we're gonna go get my phone this weekend.

Like seriously.

I'm just gonna pick one where I can store songs since I have yet to get my ipod.

I need a pair of sneakers. I'm tired of my hardy onitsuka tigers.

I think New Look has some cheap ones...mehhhhhh wait for my allowance first. XD

I should revert myself to my everyday soccer thingy.

I used to be at the street soccer court everyday at 2+pm...right after school.

I remembered having so much fun with 1-2 soccer balls. Just me and the 2 balls. I'd practise free kicks because when I was primary 5 I could never notch a high ball. I continued practising. I watched videos of Roberto Carlos,Cristiano Ronaldo,David Beckham and some caucasian player from a Japanese League team. I learnt from them. I mastered free kicks quickly. Soon I start curling balls and that was my pride. I could proudly say that I can curl balls around the keeper who couldnt dive. (Nikesh) I used to be a bulky forward in primary school. I had this super skinny P6 indian classmate who was fierce and sort of a gangster but he still played with me. He would notch balls to me and I'd finish it off or I'd pass him a few and he'll do the job. I remember one shot where I notched it in and all I could do was continue running and jump,punching my fist in the air. I shook hands with my classmate and it was a great time. I lost contact with him after he left school.

I hardly play soccer now and I tried kicking the ball around a few weeks ago. I am rotten. I suck at rugby too. I keep punting. I don't know what is the problem with my rugby. Stupid. I can try to train 3 times a week. One day I can go run. And do some basic PT techniques. Another day go to the field,kick the ball around...master it at least once and kick the ball around before I put on my running shoes and go do PT and just run. On the 3rd day I can do agility workouts before I do my PT and run again. Such a simple 3 day thing. Yet it is so difficult to slot it into my hectic schedule. I have emcee-ing to do (despite being a reserve) and life is tough. But I love it.

The only thing about life I dislike is when it comes to love. I dislike maths just as much. (sorry aunty lorna.)

school was fine.

gotta collect my blazer tomorrow and go buy my pants. sigh. i need black shoes too. i guess i can use my dad's. ahahaha. i hope i don't have to wear a tie. extremely uncomfortable especially when my shirt's tight. rugby uniform ftw. i'll need to buy em next year anyway. Being an emcee is fun. Being an emcee for a major/formal event is not fun. Pressure's all on you. Sucks. But I'll thrive under it through God's grace and mercy. :)

Thanks dom for that fantastic book! A great birthday gift! I needed a book and it really touches something in my spiritual life that I haven't really went on in awhile. So it's good to have a book. Tomorrow I have training. Most likely fitness. I don't have a kicking tee so I can forget about practicing my conversions. My drop kicks aren't fantastic too. I can leave that for another day. Gain fitness first. I have to finish up my 300 word composition during english class tomorrow. Should be easy nuts. I'm halfway through. Should be another 150 to kill the whole thing.

TRAIN HARD TOMORROW PLEASE ANDRE PLEASE

i know i may lose out to someone who has a nice body,is from barker and excels in his cca. I have no idea on how to compete with those boys but all i know is i have something that is more worth than what i have now. I have God. And that's all I want and need.

What if i never excelled in my cca?

What if i was never in a top school?

What if I ONLY had GOD? And my strong Faith?

Would YOU still choose ME?

to be honest,i remember telling someone the best birthday present of my 14th birthday...

would be to get jaz back. :(

AND GUESS WHAT.

I got her back.

BY MYSELF YAY (Obviously,there's no other way...lol!)

YAY WHAT A BIRTHDAY PRESENT SO HAPPY TO HAVE IT ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M RETURNING TO SCHOOL YAY IM SO HAPPY YAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Anyway I'm busy on the 27th of march and 10th of april...sian...duno whats up with schools nowadays. They loooooooooooove carnivals! I'm neutral...haha I don't really go to carnivals. Neither am i keen on playing their games and making myself look like a fool. I will just go though..for the sake of my friends and looking at other people making a fool of themselves.

OKAY I need to go to canterbury after school to find my bloody shorts >:(

Because the nooby shorts my school sells got torn...i say torn means the guy tried tackling me and he touched my pants and instead of pulling me down he pulled it off!!! wth...so it's like...some towel now hahahaha. I will try to get my shorts later and I'll wait for my team to issue me my jersey top. Apparently they've come up with their own logo...lol! Send it to uncle tot for embroidery hahahahaha! And the number printing i think we can get it done for like $20-$30 at Chopra Sports...I did mine there before. Kinda slow but looking at the pile of jerseys they have...it's already quite fast...20-30 mins...so 1 dollar 1 min hahaha. Okay!!! I'm going back to school today!!!! So sexcited!! my eye is still red but i hope my school doesn't send me home!! (If they do my parents are gonna go kuku) OKAY I'M OFF TO READ NEWSPAPERS!!! I love them. I see interesting articles. I saw Calvin Klein's X Series underwear last week on Urban..this week got something nice...nice shoes and belts from a store at Orchard Cineleisure. As much as I wanna go down and get myself a nice pair of shoes,I have to save my $$$$$ for my rugby jersey. I don't think it'll come free although it's through a team..buying in bulk should make it cheaper though.

OKAY!!!!

IMMA GO READ NEWSPAPERS!!!

SEMPER FI

GOD BLESS!!!

ANDRE

WHO MAY BE SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL

life just cannot go on jaz.

shut up,ian. dont tell me to let go.

i know,everyone's been telling me.

"let go,let her go on with her life."

as much as i want to do that,i just have that feeling of guilt in my head.

i lost her. and it's my fault. if i didn't delete her off fb (i dont remember doing so but guess i did.)

what's done,is done.

all i want is just her to say,it's okay.

and i'll move on.

this is disgusting but i actually went to buy underwear for myself. instead of having my mom follow me i went to get it myself. partially because i know she won't buy me calvin klein briefs. haha. and so i went down to paragon...visited the calvin klein underwear store :$ I saw a few plain,nice ones...i wanted to get it until the lady was like..."ah the new X series out already." i was like..really?! where? happened to be infront of me...blind haha. the X series i saw on urban was the red one..this one blue. still the same. not the micro fibre ones though. according to the lady they'll be out in march. this is the last week of feb already!!!!! nevermind!!! tomorrow i'm getting my birthday present...an angpow! lol. i don't know how much is inside. and i hope when my dad gets it he doesn't go kuku and go bank it in! i can add it to my piggy bank $$ and buy a camera or leave it aside and get things i need/want! i dont know lah. i need PJs...just pants. i think i can get like a few from topman. $46. way cheaper than calvin klein's $69 ones. basket. but i need underwear!!! i tried on the x series at home! :$ its really comfy and its good enough for my sports. a nice substitute for my nike tights which are looking real bad. i shall see how much i get and plan from there. My new crumpler is really useful too,didn't know the complete seed was THAT big. it may not be the complete seed though. it doesn't look like the one they show on the crumpler website. nevermind. it's really big. a nice gym bag. wanna shop shop shopppppppp iiii neeeeed clothes! i shall go get some tees from Dsquared. The store looks damn nice. Anyway i think i'm recovering from my conjunctivitis already. stupid eye infection...kept me out of sch for like 6 days...im returning on friday though. sigh. 2 periods of math. -_______- dangit.

I've hardened myself,i've decided to just suck it up.

Yeah,I miss you jaz.

But nothing's gonna bring you back.

So imma stop crying like a girl and just suck it up.

I'm just gonna forget everything.

wazzap.

i miss you.

Ada shared this with me...just a few minutes ago.

and I feel way better...thanks ada. :)

this is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides


And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

I hope you know I try,

to become a better man.

I hope you know,

I never meant to hurt you.

Never meant to make you cry.

Hope you know I try,to become a better man.

But with you in my life,

I don't think I ever can.

It's so hard to keep goin' on without you,Jaz.

I've been hiding it in too much.

I can only hold it out till this point.

I want you back.

Please.

I don't know what to do to get you back.

I miss you.

i was on the edge of my seat la seriously.

i dont understand why sanderson didnt bring me on...i could have scored against a jc lor (eventually i did)

i went in in the 50th min..wtf 30 mins left to score a try or try a conversion??? wtp??

so hamtam here...and i managed to knock in a conversion and a try! yay 17-11 MUAHAHAHAH we still pwned the jc guys anyway.

Rugby ownz.

seeya!

i'm not gonna say something bad about jaz right now.

but she liked...to use vulgarities,i don't like that.

she didn't remember the things i wanted her to...the things that were important.

but...it's these little things,these little imperfections,that just make her so right.

it's what makes me love her,so,so much.

but what can i do now?

:)

it's the world i know.

some dude from my primary school spells RJA's "Your Guardian Angel" as "Your Garden Angel."

Lol.

when you said start again,

did you really mean it?

i'm half the person i used to be...

was it because i didn't love you enough?

i watched you break this heart of mine,again and again...

but...

i guess i'm not good enough for you.

just say it once,

and mean it.

dangit. I miss Jaz. alot. :/

remember how far we got? how high we soared?

but we never worked out.

i need you to know all this that's happening,doesn't matter...

cos when we take this road,someone's gotta go.

but you couldn't have loved me any better...(you never did actually. :/ )

And I know you'll find someone else

Who always doesn't make you cry.

But something kept my love light burning for you.

I loved you enough to let you go.

NCC G.O.H CONTINGENT 2010

Seeya there!

why do i only realise it now?

I lost Jaz and no it's not something good.

Maybe I'm a little less stressed out,but that hole in my heart is starting to appear again...and i wonder since she's the one that deleted me now...over msn..i wonder how big that hole's gonna get.

shall i return to my old emo state? i already am in it.

damn i miss you.

but i know i ain't gonna getcha back because of what i did.

i took many wrong steps,none gave me such a drastic result. but this time my wrong step...which i thought was a right one,brought me hell.

I realised I stopped praying for Jaz ever since I decided to talk to her about something. Never did.

I stopped praying...that's bullshit. Even if she's never here,even if she has a new boyfriend,new husband,kids...I'm still gonna pray. No,no one knows whether it's true or not. It's all done behind the closed door...but I don't need people to openly know DAMN I PRAY FOR HER EVERYDAY! I think that's close to subliminal messaging...but! Still...I still love Jaz and I'll do whatever I can to bring Christ to her. Or her to Christ. Right now she hates me to the core and I've lost everything...but I can pray. And one day she'll get to know the Lord.

God bless!

life can be sucky at times.

but i guess this is why life is so,so interesting.

it's so easy to hurt someone...and so easy to hurt yourself too.

i've learnt that. pretty much shitty. but oh well!

I bought Fernando Torres' Biography! But before I start I shall finish my current book! Like 10 pages left. Lol. I hope I can finish it by tomorrow. Borders ownz la. I used to like Kinokuniya. But Borders ownz,seriously!

Got Gurpreet her birthday present. I was like 50% serious about spending $75 on her la. But...where will the money come from? :/

So I decided to get her a small gift...from Borders! She'll like it. Not a book though. Haha...something useful.

It's less than 5 days without her and I feel so guilty for what I did...but at the same time maybe she really needs to feel the pain I did.

God bless!

you're pissed.

that's good. maybe that's when you'll start sparing a thought for me. thinking how you'd feel if you were in my shoes. you're gone now. but you can still think.

i just wonder,

how much did i mean to you?

nothing,i guess.

i'm tired.

every time...for this whole week,whenever i get home. i have my lunch. stare at my computer. and fall asleep on my bed till like 4? I can crawl back to my chair and stone there for like 10 seconds before my eyes kill me and i land back on my bed. i did it again today. 5 times,in a row. this week. awesome. and i saw my dad sleeping on the sofa while watching tv. it's not because he is some couch potato...but because he's tired. everyone is. that sucks. tomorrow's gonna be a long day. have alot to carry. wonder how am i going to get through this...gotta pack pack pack. im taking the risk and assuming the SP's Guild House toilets have shower heads. And I can like shower there...if not I'll stink. Who wants to be stuck in their uniform for like soooo many hours? Gotta pack,pack,pack. I think on sunday I'll bring my math textbook to church...then like after service I'll grab lunch...chill for awhile before I revise on Statistics. I have a test on monday! And I realised I can pay more attention to Mr Zaf than Ms Sri. Don't know what's up...but yeah. Alright,guess that's about it.

God bless!

she hasn't noticed anything,i guess.

instead of doing it all at one go,i'm doing it bit by bit.

it's killing me inside slowly cos i know soon she's not gonna be with me.

soon i'm gonna lose her and one day she's gonna be with some other man.

but it doesn't matter. i'll hold up with the pain.

do you know when's the best time to feel pain...in the heart?

During your birthday or your other half's birthday.

During our birthdays we just open up...hearts are open,ears,eyes are open!

And in a way we just feel so happy...anything can happen.

And only people REALLY think on your birthday...because they know its something important.

If you disagree,okay.

That's perfectly alright.

One day,I know when I'm older I'm gonna think about now,about the amusing things I did for a girl. Just a girl. Serious!

I did the weirdest things ever...from my first ever stop motion video and getting about 30+ people I never really knew to hold up cards for me! Awesome.

But when you lose it all...especially the girl,it doesn't matter.

Yes,your heart hurts.

But at least you've done your part,to make an impact in the girl's heart.

If you failed to do so,it's alright.

Just try,and try again.

But what happens when you tire out? What happens when you're just burnt out?

Then it's time to stop,leave...and rest.

I'm stopping,leaving.

And I'll rest. For a long time.

I'm doing it my way...not the usual one. And I hope it works. It will. Very sure.

You know,a teardrop...is insignificant when in a swimming pool...but it can touch a soul when it runs down someone's face.

definition of a loser.

WOULD YOU LOVE ME MORE IF I DEDICATED MORE OF MY HEART TO YOU?

WOULD YOU LOVE ME MORE IF I PUT ALL MY OF MY HEART IN?

WOULD YOU LOVE ME IF I SAID : "LET ME BE YOUR MAN."

WOULD YOU LOVE ME IF I EVER CAME BACK TO YOU,EMPTY HANDED,YET I OPEN MY HEART TO YOU.

I am keeping still,and silent as possible with regards to my love life.

Sharing...is not working anymore.

It just keeps getting worse. Don't like it one bit.

I got shortlisted to do emcee-ing for my school's achievement day.

Battling it out with 2 other guys I think. Had to read a passage yesterday to the teacher. I think I got pwned. Nevermind.

I wanna be anti social and not talk to anyone...anymore.

Seriously.

dont you think that at some point of time in your life,love hurts really so bad?

it's like you've been blinded by something,

and thus you aren't able to see the "real thing" in that person you love.

I only want the truth.

i'm falling.

i'm falling,real fast.

this is how it looks like when i am without you.

this is how it looks like when i finally fall apart and hit the ground. Hard.

this is how it looks like when i'm on the edge.

this is how it hurts so bad even though i pretend there isn't any pain.

i have this friend. okay,maybe schoolmate. i don't really know her. she's on my facebook list though. and through her blog and facebook status updates,it seems like things in her family isn't going too good. im not going to go deep in and tell you what happened. but it seems like she needs help. more than just comforting words over facebook. but i just felt like i could do something to make a difference yet i failed to do it...need to do some soul searching...and praying of course. (:

Things aren't going to well for me. I think i've really come to my senses. It seems like you-know-who likes some other guy. i dont know if her pm where she asked someone to f**k off was referring to me. most likely it is. and that's why...nvm. she will see in 2 weeks time. like i said,whatever im passing to her is not going to change how she thinks. how she treats people. but really i am beginning to doubt whatever she said earlier...of course i dont judge. i dont assume. im trying to keep my head back and making sure i dont jump to conclusions. maybe that "thing" i pass to her will just really make her think about those who just care for her so much...i dont expect anything in return. but i really cannot take it anymore. it's too late for me to turn back. too late for her to do anything. i've done my work. i just need to pass the "thing" to her. and thats the last thing she'll ever see or get from me. it will not make an impact on her. but it will be a constant reminder.

i feel pretty numb at times when i think of her. it just hurts to see her like this...and to see me doing this to her again. but really,this time i aint turning back. no more chances. i dont wanna get tortured again. sucks.

God bless!

Peace out.

Sometimes people don't stop in life to think and look around,and when they don't...they miss all the important aspects of life. And some just keep moving on. Well hey,some people stopped with you,showed you utmost concern and care. And what did you do? You walked off. Is that how you treat people who REALLY CARE for you?

i'm sorry for lecturing you.

i'm no deacon,i'm no pastor.

i'm no dad,i'm no brother.

but i'm trying my very best to give you advice.

i could be wrong,i could be right. but take it as life lessons.

maybe you don't wanna listen to me

that's perfectly fine. but keep it in your head. you may need it someday.

you can be as angry as you want...

but if you wanna stay that way,no one's gonna really like you. maybe that guy.

smile,and you're on your first step back to being a happy cheerful girl.

God bless!

Peace out.

Where has the old friend gone?

Maybe it's time you start thinking,

It's time you start thinking about others.

There is no turning back for now.

Heavenly Father,
You're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything.
Everything.

Tomorrow Master JC is coming over to my place! Apparently he is pretty much unfamiliar with Windows Movie Maker...kinda shocked hahaha. Well tomorrow I end school at 230? Get home by 330? Have lunch...4/430? Then I'll rest for awhile before I dress up and head down to the field to practise my drop kicks and goal kicks. Eos passed me back my camera. Kinda shocked and upset. 870 photos...lol. And most of the photos at the start when I left looked pretty solid...and the end most of them were badly shot. Kinda wasted but i guess things don't always go how we want them to. Of course,it's still good and i indeed have to thank Eos and her minions...I know more than just one person touched the camera.

Ok,I tried asking Jaz to come for the vday event! Seriously! I did! But she said she doesn't know if she can come or not. That does not matter! But if she can come...wah everyone will be super kan cheong! Like every youth in Mt Carmel is so curious how Jaz looks like! I think I have said too much about her in church. Oh dear haha. It'll be great if she can come though! Then she'll get to meet super cool people...like JC and Annabel. I remember on the first day when I brought Isabel to church,on our way back we saw Bel! Then while we were waiting for the bus,Ian called me and I had to rush back to church...so I left Isabel in Bel's hands. Sounds weird but yes lol! And it seems like Bel got to know more about Isabel. Cool stuff. Anyway,I have to pay up...for my ticket. I was supposed to do so like last sunday but I didn't have $14! XD $12 for friends! Super cool stuff. Indeed thank God I am still wide awake despite it being 1030. I will have to get up at 515am tomorrow so that I can prepare early enough...and get to school early to finish whatever homework I have. Although tomorrow is a very,very short day! Down with PE,Literature,English and IH! And like I don't have to bring alot of stuff...so it seems like instead of my bag being the lightest on a friday,it's the lightest on a tuesday. Awesome. Like a few minutes ago I started coughing...don't know why. I kept going on...then I think my mom got worried and thought I was having an asthma attack so she came into my room. Lulz. Yes,I am Anti Social. I am also emo. Yeah I joke around on msn quite abit but I've stopped hanging out with my friends and all. Not because I feel left out but I just feel that we have nothing in common. Except people in church because we do have something in common. We all love and worship God! But yeah I'm kinda staying away from them too. Being emo and anti social isn't fun but I am pretty much used to it. Of course I'm in for a short chit chat,why not! But I'm not gonna really hang out alot now. I think Putri's parents were abit shocked to see me playing alone in the field today. Doesn't matter. Tomorrow's a newwwww day!

See you all!

Peace out,

God bless!

I'm taking risks,

I'm doing it for the last time.

Yes,I'm still hurt and pretty much upset,

But there is no harm in trying.

This is my last try,before I take my leave.

And this time,there is no turning back.

whats going on now,girl?

are you asking me to leave you?

but i've seen it all,

and it's not enough.

cos it keeps me needing you.

i'm gonna be anti social for a long time.

i ain't gonna talk to anybody.

just God. and just you.

cos i wanna get things right. i wanna get you done with.

if you want me to leave,tell me.

if you want me to stay,don't stay silent.

tell me.

jaz is ignoring me. lol. i am getting abit worried. maybe she's testing me. or maybe she's just pissed. i'll leave it this way. i'll just hold on. weird.

Dear Eos,

I would like you to know that you have such a...

adaptable

adorable

agreeable

alert

alluring

ambitious

amused

boundless

brave

bright

calm

capable

charming

cheerful

coherent

comfortable

confident

cooperative

courageous

credible

cultured

dashing

dazzling

debonair

decisive

decorous

delightful

detailed

determined

diligent

discreet

dynamic

eager

efficient

elated

eminent

enchanting

encouraging

endurable

energetic

entertaining

enthusiastic

excellent

excited

exclusive

delicious

tasty

juicy

sweet

spicy

sour

and sexy smile.

"i come to you in pieces,so you can make me whole."

one of my favourite lines hahaha.

i've decided to leave rugby aside. i shall pursue photography and drums! i'm sticking with photography cos i'm doing it in school...hahaha.

i think jazlynn's msn is kuku. she isn't replying to my messages. nevermind. i think she's ignoring me because i didn't reply to her earlier in the day haha. doubt she'd ever do that though. nevermind. today was some tiring crap. i still have to pack for tomorrow...-_________- road trip ahhhhhhhh die die die. i cant sleep. my mind is jumping up and down. you know when i dont get a reply from jaz i start to panic. and im like shit the world is going to end! okayyyyyyy maybe not as bad la. but i just get real scared and paranoid. dont know why. :/

i cant sleeeeeeeep. someone call me! lol im just bored.

i had like a super epic conversation with mr chua during IH lesson!

we were trying to guess who were the 2 people that raffles spoke to when he entered singapore. we got the first guess,sultan hussein right...but the 2nd one was like..temenggong..but no one knew. then mr chua was like..c'mon...it starts with a T! Then i was like,MR CHUA I KNOW! TOM YUM GOONG! LOL then mr chua was like , Andre i dont want any Tony Jaa in my class HAHAHA Tom Yum Goong is actually a movie XD

sorry for bein kinda emo. was kinda pissed with something. stop asking me about jaz. yeah i know you all are concerned but please. give me a break. give her a break. dont go around disturbing her. >:( basket you all. anything that im doing...is all confidential. its stuck between 3 men! or boys. haha. today was tiring. its not nice sticking your eye to the viewfinder from 730am to 6pm. it sucks but hey im doing it for the school. so yeah :) i have to leave the orientation early tomorrow at like 5pm or earlier so that i can reach home,shower and get to Borders early enough. Gotta go celebrate my mom's birthday. I wish it wouldn't be tomorrow...I'm missing my all time favourite cca open house. :( But oh well. Sacrifice. On saturday I have tuition and then i have to go down to church...first i must find the route...from clementi mrt to where ah. SP guild house. sigh. its ok. gonna do it well. gonna do it good. SOS Call for jazlynn! 6th feb! it's a saturday. no,i am not inviting you for our vday event. But I need to see you. In the afternoon. Is 3pm fine? haha im like 3 weeks early but who gives a shit! I haven't done anything,but it's all ready for you. I just need you pass you a slip of paper. Haha. Gonna prepare for tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ftw thank you Lord for today! tiring yet so wonderful!

peace out

God bless!

if i had only 5 minutes a day to talk to you...i wouldn't know what to tell you. because i have so much to say. but this is what i'd say if it really did happen.

i hope your day was great. i'm pretty sure it was. any plans for the week? guess you really miss your friends (from ofs.) huh. which is good! i really hope that you enjoy school and all that...and also enjoy the outings you have with your friends. thank God for everything,yeah. I really miss you. I really do.

If i were given 5 minutes only i think i'd cry all day. lol. when i don't get to talk to jaz i get that empty feeling. like she's part of me now. haha.

i guess i'm alright.

i'm just standing out with the streetlights,just me and God.

i know God has seen my heart break into pieces. and why is He just letting it happen again?

i wonder is He gonna do anything.

hello! today was fantastic! i love school. i must say i struggled to understand a very simple question in math class but there is nothing wrong with asking questions! english was the usual. it always is the same. it's like we don't go any higher or lower. that happened in 09 too. IH is fun. there's this retarded song that only leong chun,yee sin and i know! hahaha it's super fun to be chatting with them because they speak in mandarin most of the time and it's a great way for me to practise my mandarin. during recess,the most EPIC thing happened. awesome crap. seriously! christy like came up to me out of nowhere and she just asked if i could take photos for the sec 1 orientation camp...i was like...sureeeeeee! the bad thing is i've already missed day 1 and tbh day 1 was rather fun. i could hear all the rookies shouting and having lotsa fun. could also see the side of the councillors that you don't usually see. the fun,wacky side! haha. what else? :P i'm chargin' my camera,bringing in my earphones...i know i'll need it to kill time and make sure i'm occupied. i told myself for like 3 days i have to go down to 7-eleven to buy football weekly but i keep forgetting. irritating. i realised i'm low on cash too! actually i have like $30 in my cupboard but im like...nuh uh thats for sunday! haha so i cant spend it. if i must..then it'll have to be because of some crisis...i think i indeed need to thank God for this wonderful week! it has been good so far,and i cannot wait to really go out to the city again! i've been so busy spending time in church i hardly visit wheelock or ion anymore :( unlike yesterday! i felt so classy. i think that's because i splurged on 2 items only. hahaha.

on a less brighter note,

i realised it's so easy to realise whether love is there or not. i think in a way that if someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,it doesn't mean they don't love you. but to be honest,i really feel 0% of ANYTHING at all. No care,no concern or love. I don't even think about LOVE! I think love would consist of care and all. i used to have that empty feeling when jaz was gone in perth for like a week. because i couldnt talk to her. that was partially my fault because i deleted her i think lol. but still! and it's like i'm always contemplating on whether i should stay by jazlynn or just leave her. i know i'm not supposed to think or talk about her! but i don't know how to let it out if i speak to my friends! they've had enough of my rants about jaz. haha. and i realised i've been wallowing myself in self-pity alot. along with putting myself under aloot of emotional stress. that's gay haha. this has been an epic thing that has taken place in my life,and i've lost quite abit,but at the same time i've regained that lost portion of my heart and i've learnt alot in life. i don't think this was a test from God. it's more of a usual hurdle that God just sends our way. and He just pushes us over it,showing that He can make a difference in our life...or my life. and yeah i have a little gift for jaz! i gave up my 2 ideas. kinda cheesy. i don't want to buy her a tee shirt. she won't wear it. im super sure. haha. i won't go customize a bear for her! yeah it's sweet i think but nah i don't want her bed to have too many bears. of course all other ideas are confidential! teehee. and now it seems jaz is good with uwc! so i can leave her alone and just watch. at times i feel that she doesn't need me but wth,that's not the right spirit. i'm just not the right man for the right time. then the question of when will i be the right man? i just have to wait. patience! it's good to see her enjoy herself. and enjoy life! all works of God. (: alright,tomorrow's gonna be a long day so i'm gonna roll on my bed,listen to some niceeeeeeee music (red :P) ,read abit. get a nice drink...finish off with a prayer,and i'm off to sleep. I must remember to bring my cam...the most essential item for tomorrow. i hope my batt doesn't die.

and...after ps dixon's sermon last sun,i'm starting to LOVE my friends more! i learnt to really share,even if they destroy it or don't lend me things when i need it. it doesn't matter...haha i love the feeling when i share! at the same time it's good because i'm obeying God's word! i need a new copy of the "World's Manual." :P

alright,thats all. i'll try to update my blog tomorrow!

peace out!

God bless! :)

my day was frickin awesome. i went to buy my stupid $80 audio technica earphones. i thought they were $40..oh well. got another tee from pull and bear. im wicked!

cool kids dont shop alone. i do. so im uncool. very farnee.

night. uncool kids need lotsa sleep.

it's like the 3rd week into school and i still don't have my english textbook. jinkies man...and like ms selvi assigned us some shit that has to do with the textbook...and like if i dont pass it up tomorrow she's gonna minus like 30 pts from my group...and i dont want that. in the end all u get is some apollo biscuit. no big deal. but i dont wanna make diny angry haha. life saver che hui was online! i was like yessah. so im getting him to like scan all the pages of the textbook..then i'll do eng homework from there. and like i didnt know this new math teacher assigned us work...che hui told me about it...shiat. mr zaf is gone for like 2 weeeeeeeks. wtp...i miss mr zaf. i can pay more attention to his teaching..i dont understand this teacher's one lah. and like wed i have ncc...super shitty news la. need to bring pt kit. theres physical training and soccer training. who can play footy after PT? like seriously when sir tan hammered the whole unit we were dead after the pt session! i was like...imma bring my goalie gloves. on 2nd thought i don't think i wanna play. if i do i wont be a goalie. unless no one wants to do it then fine i'll do it. if not i'll play a position im comfortable with...right back :p and like tomorrow there's PE...the heck. they are gonna take our weight! i took it at this retarded weighing scale outside the office in sch...im frickin 82kg wtp....i was 79 a month ago! i was supposed to go the gym but i got home super late. irritating. in all,God will guide me through this week. i am halfway through the first day of the week and i have loads to finish tonight. but once again the Lord is my refuge and my strength! (Psalm 46)

alright,i have to transfer the ELC photos and finish up my homework...finish dinner too.

seeya!

I had my face shoved in the word death yesterday. It was a point where God showed how powerful He is. He can stop anything. And He can start it,again and again and again. I'm returning to camp soon,I think. I'll be staying for that last night...if not my parents will make noise. :/

Besides that,I've been really kept busy...I'm on the verge of "falling into the sea."

Why...

Vday Preparations!

And Isabel's coming to Mt Carmel this sunday! (Don't worry bel,you're not a burden haha.) It's my duty to jaga you so I must plan! Don't worry,I doubt we'll follow our plan anyway. HAHAHA

And I have something for you,Jaz!

I hope UWC has been great for you! I asked you how it was yesterday...you said good good good...Don't lie if it isn't! If not what am I here for? I'm not saying I don't trust you...but don't be afraid to see UWC isn't as coooool as OFS! Haha I once did that in NCC...and I didn't get punished. Awesome shit. I hope UWC has been great for you,and I think Jeremy really,really likes you. If you're not into a relationship now,try "dating." Or in a way,just heading out together,watch some movies. Shop together? It'll be great! Since you two are a fun bunch. And yeah I just wanna see you happy. That's all I want. I don't want anymore more than that...(I wish I did.) But I'm just not there yet. And I don't plan to be there. So...enjoy UWC! It's a hardcore school! I think...Don't get into volleyball. Go join Mediacomm or something. HAHAHA MY CCA XD

Kayyyyyyyy.

Now that I have to really shower,pack up and head back to camp...I have to start doing other shit. You know my dad told the maid to wake me up at 845...and the maid told me that my dad would pick me up. I don't believe my dad would come all the way from Orchard down to Woodlands just to bring me to school. Thats a fat lie. Nice try. I seriously cannot believe my dad wants me to go back to camp! I mean,I do want to go for camp...but...I don't want to stay overnight! Halfway through the camp and I was dreaming about home and my sexy bed! It's so true,our beds feel more comfortable during school days. Hahahaha. Fatigue levels I guess. To be honest,I never wanted to come for this camp. I felt super pissed that we were given SUNDAY to rest only before heading back to school on monday. And WTP lah,we have to wake up at 4am on Saturday! Lack of sleep ftw...but the teachers get less...so we should shut up and not complain. Hahaha. Then I realised that I would be REALLY tired...and so JC passed me this verse from the book of Psalm! Psalm 46! I read everything. I like verse 1 the most. "God is our refuge and strength,an ever present help in trouble." It's so true! God has helped me so much in 09/10. The Lord has also helped me in realising what I should really be focusing on. Girls,Soccer...or God? And I really learnt that no matter what God should always be no.1 on your list! Even if you play in the EPL(Egyptian Premier League XD) it doesn't mean you put it infront of God! Which is like soooo cool!

Anyway,

Isabel's coming to Mt Carmel this sunday! Like uber cool lor! I told tess and kim already I think. So they'll talk to her and stuff. Hahaha. Awesome shiat.

Alright,I think I'll go play some FO2,read up on other blogs...check out FB profiles and pack...before I return to the hell hole. Tbh we are treated in camp like how NCC treats us...gotta move fast and all...but your punishment is worse. I'd rather do push ups then get yelled at! Basket.

A blog is a free and public domain,where one can express how he feels...and there is not right or wrong to that.

So now,what is your problem?

I scream,I shout...I cry. But I just won't get your full attention.

"IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE,COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART."
All I want is the Lord to see my broken heart.
I cannot go on like this anymore.


Loving God,
I have laid down everything for you...
I have decided to let go of whatever I'm holding on to...and that special something.
And Lord,I know you've seen my breaking heart. You've seen it shatter into pieces.
And now I just pray that you heal me. At this point of time I feel so empty but I know your love does not run dry. Father I know you are there to support me. Your yoke is easy and your burden is light. It seems to me that You are fixing my heart back...bit by bit. But everytime I encounter something it just breaks everything apart again. I'm finding it so hard to hang on. Lord,at times I hear You say don't fight these hands that are holding you. And I'm not...but I feel that one day something that's bigger may make me lose my grip on You.
I choose not to think this way and look at things in a positive light. Father I'm forever going to depend on you,to lean on Your strength and I KNOW YOU WILL LIFT ME UP BECAUSE I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. I KNOW I'M WEAK. I KNOW I'M UNWORTHY. But I needYou at this time and I know You are there by my side. At this point of time all I want is You,Lord. I don't want anymore heartaches. I don't want to be upset,disappointed or angry anymore. I don't wanna shed a tear anymore. Each time I think about her I just feel like breaking down. Because I do not know where to move on from here. I will learn to lean on Your strength. You are the only One that can pick me up and make move.

Amen.

I wish I never did assume.

I only found the courage today.

But it's too late...

What do I do now?

I'm reachin' out for you one last time.

And I'll keep my hand out for you for a long time.

If you don't wanna grab it...then I don't know.

I can tell you I'm weak. Yeah I am. But I'm putting it all for you. I'll carry you home. Till the very end.

Promise!

(:

Guess you'll be reading this...maybe not.

You know something? I miss you now. I'm sure you're enjoyin' life in Jakarta now. Hehe continue doing so. Well I miss you. I don't miss you because you're gonna be gone for a week. But because you left the country. It's the fact that you left the country for awhile...not for how long you'll be gone for. Yeah I miss you. I really do. BUT everyone needs a break from all their usual things! Hehe. Enjoy the rest of your trip alright? Take care of yourself. :)

AND WHOEVER THAT IMPOSTER IS...GET OFF MY BLOG MATE. IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY THAT I'M FRIENDS WITH HER THEN THATS YOUR PROBLEM. >:( Annoying nimcompoop. Screw that.